| STAR TREK - THE SPOOF BY ALVIN LEE CHAPTER ONE At the first glance she looked like a space bucket ready for nothing but the scrap heap, but to Kirk's discerning eye the tell tale heat dissipaters on the aft thrusters showed her to be nothing less than a Class A Dreadnought primed and ready for action. Indeed this was a wolf in sheep's clothing. A coyote wearing a woolly cardigan? "Eeegh noot geh srrrgrod an splatter me groogs", said Scotty as he turned to face Captain Kirk. "Arrrgm hugh thrrinking wart I thrink ye thrinkin' Capn?" "No, Scotty, I'm not", replied Kirk. "I'm thinking something completely different. Am I right in thinking that the power source for a 55 Dreadnought is a proton inverted matter antimatter positron coupling reactor?" "Iggh ye arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh", said the wiry chief engineer with a glint in his eye. "Anniff I noot mistooken ye be attekin' to re-inverrrt e tabulator sequence generator ae gee the wee beasty a mite morrre anti-plasm than ee c handle." "Exactly", smirked Kirk, as he turned to face his gravel faced science officer Mr. Spock. "Spock, give me the telemetry readings on that ship's power status and standby to initiate reversion of their proton coupler with a negative neutron enhanced antimatter Doppler". Spock was just about to reply when McCoy shuffled onto the bridge. Spock's eyebrow lifted questioningly. "Give me a moment, Captain, while I correlate the information." The Captain turned to his long trusted friend and chief medical officer. "What's happening, Bones?" "I don't know what's happening" retorted McCoy. "But if I wanted to find out I wouldn't ask that pointy eared, green blooded, emotionless, smelly, boring old computer brained excuse for a life form Mr. Spock." he bantered cheerfully. "Might I suggest", said Spock, "That you return to your lab and insert yourself in one of those innocuous specimen jars you have festering in some stupid illogical time wasting experiment of which you have no clue as to what you are doing." "Go stuff your vulcan head in a photon torpedo tube." McCoy glibly answered. "Gentlemen please", said Kirk. "Red alert! Stand by your beds. This is no time for playful chit chat". Kirk pivoted on his platform boots and waved to Uhura. "Ship to ship", he ordered. "Channel open and on screen" replied his black bottomed communications officer. "This is Captain James T. Kirk of the United Star Shhhh…" Kirk stared at the screen. In all his years as Captain of the Enterprise, all his travels to every corner of the galaxy, he had never been lost for words, or struck dumb with surprise as he was now. There on the screen sitting in command of a Dreadnought star cruiser was the cutest little pussy cat he had ever seen. "Greetings Captain Kirk," said the alien feline in a high pitched but melodic voice. "I am Commander Tiddles of the Furcotean pleasure cruiser Whiskers. We are very pleased to see you as we are lost." "I see", said Kirk, recovering from his momentary surprise. "Please state your purpus in this quadrant." Uhura swivelled on her chair and said "Oh Captain the poor little things are lost." Kirk lifted a hand to Uhura to signify silence but continued to look at the screen, still fascinated by the appearance of Commander Tiddles. "Our purpus, Captain, is pleasure, as we are a pleasure cruiser and we are here because of a fault in our automatic guidence system." squeaked Commander Tiddles. She looked calmly at Kirk as he noticed a white tipped tail swishing behind the Commanders head. Her fur was dark red. The only item of clothing she wore was a kind of necklace or collar. The large feline eyes were dark as was the nose, contrasting with the white whiskers. "Please stand by", said Kirk and waved to Uhura to cut comunication. "Oh Captain", said Uhura. "They're so cute they couldn't possibly be any threat." Spock looked up from his science station. "On the contrary, lieutenant, if you remember on the planet Mandible Five in the Webular cluster we were confronted with a sentient life form that looked like large hairy spiders. You in particular were afraid and mistrusting of them as they looked so creepy and induced the instinctive agoraphobic fears and instincts of your race. In fact they turned out to be peaceful and highly logical life forms." Spock stated lowering his eyebrow back to where it was usually kept. "They might have been highly logical to you. You half human excuse for a goggle eyed gremlin with a terrible haircut, but I found them disgusting", squawked McCoy. "And what is your opinion of the Furcoatians?" Spock asked unemotionally. "I find them very nice" answered McCoy. "Precisely my point", said Spock. "Your illogical human emotions tell you they are harmless because they look harmless. I would advise you to take a more pragmatic outlook on what your instincts tell you." "There's nothing wrong with my instincts you bone headed, parrot faced….". Kirk slipped a soundproof bag over the doctors head and tied it round the neck of McCoy with a piece of string. He looked at Spock and thought aloud. "I too have an emotional instinctive feeling and its giving me a knot in my stomach. That tells me not to trust these cute furry felines. Not when it comes to the safety of my ship and her crew." He turned. "Scotty, stand by to do whatever it was we were talking about earlier. On my mark." "Ieehgh, Capnge" said Scott with a look of grim determination on his face. "Chekov, arm photon torpedoes and have phaser banks ready for firing", barked Kirk. "Wery vell, captain" Chekov answered. "Ve vill be werry ready if we get any wicious wariables from the wessle." "Ummmf rumfff moof" said McCoy from inside his paper bag. "Ship to ship." Kirk croaked. The screen illuminated to show Commander Tiddles sitting patiently with a satisfied smile on her face. "Commander Tiddles", the Captain said easily. "We have a slight problem here. If you are on a pleasure trip as you say, why are you in a disguised and heavily armed Dreadnought with enough power to destroy a planet?" queried Kirk. "Space is dangerous, Captain Kirk", countered the cat Commander. "There are pi-rats at large and we simply have the weaponry to protect ourselves." Kirk looked thoughtful. "Commander, we request permission to scan your ships log and files to determine if you are telling us the truth". "Very well Captain for what good it will do you, but please note we are very unhappy with the fact you do not trust us. I will have lieutenant Patch patch you in to our ships computer." Captains log stardate 345.6 and a bit Having made contact with the Furcoatians I cannot help but feel an underlying threat, although everything on the surface appears to be harmless. Many of the crew have developed an attachment to the Furcoatians and want to stroke them. I am faced with the hardest decision I have ever had to face. Shall I remove the paper bag from McCoy's head? "Computers patched in and the information is coming in now, Captain." said Spock without looking up from his scope. Suddenly he fell over backwards with his trousers round his legs, and Kirk couldn't help notice how unusual that was for his normally logical and restrained first officer. "What is it, Spock", asked Kirk "Have you found something?" "Indeed not Captain, on the contrary I have not found anything, or to put it more acurately, I have found nothing. Whichever way I put it the ships log and files are completely blank." "How can that be Spock?" Kirk queried. "There is not enough information to ascertain that at this time, Captain." Spock replied while pulling up his trousers. "Speculation, Spock." Kirk urged. "I have formulated the hypothesis that the ship is totally automated, and the Furcoatians are purely passengers content to sit around cleaning themselves. Whatever function the ship is programmed for lies locked in the machine automation code that can be neither obtained by us or the Furcoatians." "Fascinating." said Kirk. "No, Captain", said Spock. "But it is a pain in the bum." Montgomery Scott turned from his engineering console and said "Aarrgh Capn I noo those flippin' furballs cud noo pilot e droognorrt we those wee furrry paws." Kirk whirled "Now, Mr Scott". "What?" replied Scott. "Now, Scotty. Implement whatever it was that we said we were going to do." "Och aye Capn that. Initiating now." Scott expertly fumbled with the switches at his work station but turned and said "It's noo goood Capn the engines wont take it if I gae her any moorrr. Well be bloon ta smitheroons from here acroose the univerrrse. I jus kenna gee ye a goot droig wI ya wee bairns ee grotty loch loman." "Well, do what you can." said Kirk. "Kipton", Chekov cried. "Wariables in the power wectors indicate the viskers are powering up their wessle. I am vaiting for weryfacation." "Stand by with the tractor beam, Mr. Chekov." Kirk ordered. "Wery vell", answered Chekov. "Uhura, get me the Furcotions ship to ship." Kirk waited. "No reply, Captain, just static." "Tiddles", shouted the Captain. "We are on a peaceful mission, if you don't power down I will be forced to blast your fins off." "Reply coming in, Sir", said Uhura as the screen lit up. It was another Furcoatian with black and white fur. "I am sorry for the delay in answering your call, Commander Tiddles is having a nap. I am Spot, first officer of the Whiskers. Can I assist you?" she purred. "What are your intentions? Why are you powering up your engines?" asked Kirk. "We have no intentions", said Spot. "The ship is powering up because she knows it is time to go, but she does not know where to go. Our life support systems are malfunctioning and we are running out of kitty kat. Please beam over and help us." Captains log 345.6 and a bit more The Furcoatians are asking for assistance, apparently they have no control over their vessel and according to Spock they are merely passengers with no controlling functions whatsoever. Neverless I can't help thinking, do they pose a threat to the Enterprise and should I take the paper bag off of doctor McCoys head? "Thank god that bags off my head", griped McCoy. "I felt like a damarian splodge worm in there, and I couldn't hear a thing. Could you hear me?" "Fortunately not", commented Spock. "At least I didn't have to look at your crusty old face with your eyebrows jumping up and down like caterpillars on a trampoline", grouched McCoy. "It's good to have you back, Bones." smiled Kirk. Kirk stared at the silent stars and pondered the situation. he could not threaten the occupants of the whiskers if they had no control of her, but he also could not allow the ship to leave his jurisdiction until he had ascertained what her autominous mission was. Suddenly the whiskers thrusters were spitting white hot fire. "Kipton" chirped Chekov, "she's under vay." "Lock on that tractor beam, Scotty" commanded Kirk. "It's noo goood, Capn", retorted Scott. "She be geen inta warrp drerve ifa we doont cut e trractor bim we'll be ripped agroot frrom stem ta sterrrn." "Cut the tractor beam", Kirk snapped. "And follow that ship. There's something fishy, I'm going to find out what it is." |
| Star Trek - The Spoof Chapter 2 -. Commander Tiddles stalked stealthily along the corridor as smoothly and silently as if she was on ice. Spot followed two pads behind, a watchful attendant. "We must try and gain entry into the command module," she said to herself as much as to her first officer. "1 am very annoyed at Lol warping off while I was talking to that very nice Captain Kirk." Spot commented. "Yes" said Tiddles, "It is strange the way Lol has been behaving lately, we used to get at least a warning we were going to warp, and usually an explanation, but this time nothing." ....The two padded up to a large metal door marked "Command Module. No Admittance to Cats". A red paw touched the only button by the door and a computer voice said "Yes." "This is Commander Tiddles and First officer Spot. We request an audience with Lol." " One moment please I am afraid Lol is occupied at present and cannot be disturbed. Please try later." The first officer looked at her commander, then started to clean herself. "Crrapen she be geen at warrp nine ifa doon tagish me granleys e canna nivver compensate." Screamed Commander Scott in his rough brown brogues. "Do what you can Scotty. Chekov, don't loose sight of that Furcoatian vessel. We must follow it, and this adventure to it's conclusion." "Kleptain, I am having trouble weryfying the wessel's wariables, the wessel keeps weering before I can weryfie a sensor lock to ewaluate the varp walues of the wessel." As Kirk looked at Chekov, Doctor McCoy could not help wondering what was going on in Kirk's mind. Perhaps something like "Why the xx xx, out of all smart xxxxx candixxxxingdates from Star Fleet Academy, do I have to put up with a xxxxing navigator that can't speak xxxxing English. It's those xxxxing xxxxxx xYYXXXYYYXX xxxxXXXXXXXX loving son's ofxxxx xxxxxing xxxxxxxless xxxx xxxxxing smelly xxxxxx xxxxhead's from Starfleet." In fact Kirk simply said to Chekov "Can you verify that the variation on the values of the variables you are vectoring will become visible in the very near future?" "Vest" said Chekov, "But I vould'nt like to say so many vords beginning with we." Kirk spun towards Spock and spat "Mister Spock can you triangulate the coordinates of The Whiskers so we might ascertain her destination." " Ascertaining now Captain." Spock said syrupticiously looking at Kirk's hairline. Spock looked up ascertainingly, "Captain. It appears by the velocity and trajectory of the furcoation vessel that it is heading for the Aquarium cluster in the Piscean system. There are two class M planets in the system, both capable of sustaining Earth type life, as indeed they are currently doing. The nearest and therefore hottest planet to the binary sun system is Woof, a planet who's dominant species are dog like beings on the evolutionary scale of stupid. The second planet is Meow and supports a cat like civilisation on the evolutionary scale of superior." Sulu spoke for the first time "Which one shall we go to?" he asked stupidly. Captain's dog. Stardate-Nearly teatime Friday afternoon. We have been following a DREADNOUGHT STAR CRUISER apparently owned and operated by a crew of cute pussy cats on a pleasure cruise. We have followed the Whiskers into the Piscean system. I have decided to investigate the planet Woof first so as to totally confuse Spock. "Captain, why are we investigating the canine inhabited planet first, when it would seem most likely that the crew of the whiskers being cats are logically bound for the feline world?" asked Spock wiggling his left ear. "Call it a hunch Spock. Intuition or a perverse sense of humour. " Kirk counted. "You don't get to command a starship on a five year mission without having plenty of both." "Keptain" chirped Chekov. "Ve are vithin wision of Voof' "Standard orbital procedure Mr. Sulu" Kirk commanded. "Eye Sir we will be in synchronous orbit in six minutes and 39.576 seconds sir" said Sulu. "Time enough for a sing song" beamed Bones. "Come on every body!" and they all sang. Old McCoy had a farm ee I ee I oh And on this farm he had a singer ee I ee I oh With a doo doo here and a dar dar there Here a doo there a dar everywhere a doo dar Old McCoy had a farm ee I ee I oh Now Old McCoy had a farm ee I ee I oh And on this farm he had a big drum ee I ee I oh With a big big here and a bum bum there Here a big there a bum everywhere a big bum "Captain" squeaked Sulu. "We are in orbit around Woof." "Oh just one more verse" moaned Bones, and sang "Old McCoy had a farm ee I ee I oh." Kirk looked back sternly at McCoy. "That will do Bones" said Kirk. "Oh please Jim, just one more verse." "Oh all right then" Meanwhile on the planet Meow a Dreadnought class star cruiser eased into orbit. "Commander Tiddles" said a metallic voice." Lol will see you now." Tiddles and Spot slid through the sliding door into a plush Victorian style sitting room. "You can sit in the waiting room, or wait here in the sitting room " said the metallic voice." That's all right we'll squat" Tiddles tittered timidly. Just then the inner door opened and a spindly wheel chair rolled into the room containing a spindly old lady. "Hello my precious. Would you like to play with my ball of wool?" said the Little Old Lady. Meanwhile back on the starship Enterprise. "Eeee eye, eeee eye oooohhh."sang the bridge crew. "Great" said Kirk. "Now you and I Spock are beaming down to the planet surface to find out what the inhabitants know." "Very good" said Spock, "but should we not take with us a security officer that no one has ever seen before in case someone gets killed down there." "Good thinking Spock" Kirk looked round the bridge. "Hembrow you're with us." The three stood on the transporter discs Montgomery Scott was at the control desk. "1 dinna ken we ye gairn drobwil ta gleen frume a park o wild beasty mutts like that Captain Kirrrk." "Shut your bagpipe and energise now" croaked Kirk. "Arrggh verrry well Captian, but I'm ginna put ya doon ontop of a raised platforrrm soo ya harv at least soom prrrotection frarm thoose nashing nasties." On Woof it seemed that the whole population were sitting around sniffing, scratching and licking the parts that humans can't reach, and in the centre of these thousands of dogs was a large monolith 5 metres tall with a bottomless pit situated to the side of it. The flee-bitten population looked up at the unfamiliar rippling effect on top of the structure as three figures materialised. Unfortunately there was not quite enough room on the top of the monolith and security man Hembrow toppled sideways bouncing once on the way down and rolling towards and over the lip of the bottomless pit. " Aaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh ooofff ug ugada boofaga No! aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh"(no thud) Spock looked knowingly at Captain Kirk. Kirk faced the Woofian throng calmly. "We come on a peaceful mission, we mean you no harm." There was no response except for sniffing licking scratching noises. Kirk continued. "Have any of you seen any cats?" At the word "cats" a few Woofians started barking. "Woofwoof woof, woofwoof. Woofwoof." Then more of the doglike creatures joined in. "Woof woof woof woof, woofwoof. Woof woof, woofwoofwoof" there was a silence then "Woof" "What are they saying Spock can you decipher their language?" questioned Kirk. Spock took out his stylograph and scribbled on it for a few moments, and lifted his eyebrow pencil. "Yes Captain" by utilising the old barkers carnival code from your Earth's early nineteeth century I believe I can make some sense of it. Using the strategy of one bark for yes and two barks for no, it appears that what they have been saying for the last few minutes is "Yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no." " Thank you Spock we have lost one man already my life and we seem to be getting nowhere. Do any of the woofians understand what I am saying?" "Woof" woofed a Woofian. Kirk faced the creature and the Woofian continued "Woof woof" "Let's get out of here Spock we're wasting time" CLICK HERE FOR THE WINNING ENDING TO THIS STORY |